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The best movie ever according to Nelson

[First lines, as the theme song begins by Elton John, then cut to a roaring fountain in a town square. A caption appears saying, "SPAIN 1519"]
Cortes: [Cortes puts his chalice into the fountain’s water, scooping it up in the process, then takes a sip] Today, we sail to conquer the new world, for Spain, for glory, for gold!
[the crowd cheer]
Man: Viva Cortes!
[the guns fire at the sky scares Altivo and accidentally spilled water on Cortes' armor]
Cortes: Altivo, eyes forward. [Cortes throws his cup at a poster with Miguel and Tulio on it, saying, "WANTED REWARD 100 DOUBLOONS". The scene then fades to the two gentlemen in another part of town having finished rolling some dice]
Tulio: Seven!
Miguel: All right!
Tulio: Yes!
Miguel: [gives a high five] Partner! Hee-hee! [singing] Tons of gold for you!
Tulio: Hey! [singing] Tons of gold for me!
Zaragoza: Hey!
Both: [singing] Tons of gold for we!
Zaragoza: Hey! One more roll!
[Miguel stops playing his guitar]
Tulio: Uh, guys, you're broke! You got nothin' to bet with!
Zaragoza: Oh, yeah? I got this!
Man: A map!
Tulio: A map?
Miguel: A map!
Zaragoza: A map of the wonders of the new world.
Miguel: Wow! Let's have a look. [puts a finger on the map, then grabs the map] Uh, Tulio!
Tulio: Excuse us, for one moment, plase.
Miguel: Tulio, look! El Dorado, the city of gold. This could be our destiny, our fate.
Tulio: Miguel, if a believed in fate, I wouldn't be playing with loaded dice. [shows his dice at Miguel, chuckling] Not with the face. No, no, no, no, no. No! No! No!
Zaragoza: [grabs a map] I said one more roll! My map against your cash.
Tulio: All right, peewee. You're on!
Zaragoza: [puts his hand out] Not with those! This time we use my dice. [shows his pair of dice] Ehh, got a problem with that?
Tulio: No. [grabs the dice to Miguel, whispering] I'm going to kill you.
[the map lands on the gold coins, then Miguel starts playing the guitar]
Tulio: Come on, baby. Papa needs that crappy map.
[Miguel continues playing the guitar, then showind the dice, with the woman walking away, blowing]
Tulio: [to Miguel] Stop that!
[Miguel stops playing the guitar]
Tulio: Show me seven!
[the dice roll on the ground, one stops with the three on top, the other keeps spinning around, then gasping, then landing on the ground, with the four on top, making it seven, then they all exclaim and cheer]
Tulio: Seven!
Miguel: All right!
Tulio: Seven!
[he grabs a map]
Tulio: [laughing, grabbing the peseta coins] There it is! Well, nice doing business with you.
[his loaded dice roll on the ground]
Zaragoza: [pounding on the ground three times in hopes to see a different outcome, but it still remains at seven] I knew it!
[he grabs the dice to Miguel, then playing a dramatic tone in the guitar]
Zaragoza: [enraged] Your dice are loaded!
Tulio: [stops Miguel’s guitar playing] What? You gave me loaded dice? [the face lands on the guard's body] He gave me loaded dice! Guard, arrest him!
Miguel: You dare to impugn my honor? He was the one who was cheating! [pushes Tulio] Arrest him! He tricked these sailors and took their money!
Tulio: Oh, now I'm the thief?
Miguel: Yes.
Tulio: Take a look in the mirror, pal!
Miguel: Oh, you better give them money back, or I'll... [takes a sword out] En garde!
Tulio: En garde, yourself. I will give you the honor of a quick and painless death. [takes a small sword out] But not with that. [takes another sword out] Ha! I prefer to fight fairly. Aha!
[they both attack their swords]
Tulio: Well, any last words?
Miguel: I will cut you to ribbons, fool!
Tulio: Such mediocrity. Let your sword do the talking.
Miguel: I will. It will be loquacious to a fault! Ha! Take that!
[they continue attacking]
Tulio: You, mincing, fencing, twit.
Miguel: Ah, you fight like my sister.
Tulio: I fought your sister. That's a compliment.
[they continue attacking]
Miguel: Braggart!
Tulio: Heathen!
[the roof breaks]
Man: Kill him!
Tulio: Not the face. Not the face. [holds another sword, then they all gasp, then they all cheer]
Tulio: Ladies and gentlemen, we've decided it's a draw.
Miguel: [throws the swords at the guard] Thank you all for coming. You've been great. See you soon.
Tulio: Adios!
[they both fall to the ground]
Miguel: Congratulations. You're very good.
Tulio: No. That was good. Very...
[the black bull appears, then they gasp, mooing and snorting]
Miguel: We should have kept our swords, I think.
Tulio: Y-Yeah. Yeah, I've got a plan.
Miguel: What is it?
Tulio: Uh, well, uh, you pet him...
Miguel: Yeah.
Tulio: ...and I'll run!
[they both get up and run away]
Miguel: Uh, well, thanks a lot!
[the black bull charges at Tulio and Miguel, then they climb on a wall, then the black bull knocks the wall, flying to the wall, then they slide down, then they continue running]
Man: There they are!
[the black bull appears, then the men run, then they continue running, then the guards appear, taking the swords out, then they go inside with the woman screaming]
Tulio: Bye. Thank you!
[the guards gasp, then the black bull knocks the guards over, with pieces flying the sky, then they continue running with a hat rolling down the stairs, then they climb up, then they grab the clothesline while swinging, with the clothes landing on the guards, then the arrows shoot at Tulio and Miguel, then they continue running, then they both look at the barrels filled with water]
Miguel: I'll bet we can make that.
Guard: There they are!
Tulio: Two pesetas says we can't.
[they both jump in the barrels]
Miguel: You're on!
[they both fall down in barrels]
Miguel: [in a barrel] You lose!
[he flips the peseta coins in a barrel, then they close the barrels, then they carry on a ship]
Miguel: Ohhh!
Tuilo: Whoa! What's happening here?
Miguel: We're both in barrels. That's the extent of my knowledge.
[the man lowers the barrels on a ship, then the men roll the barrels, then they throw the barrels on a ship, then they take the corks out]
Tulio: Okay, Miguel, we gotta move fast. On three, we jump out and head for the dock.
Miguel: Good. Good. Okay. Excellent.
Both: One, two, three...
[the chest lands on the barrels]
Both: Th-Three! Three! Ohh! Three!
[cut at night, showing the half moon]
Tulio: Uh, you ready? Ah, okay. One more. Let's go.
Both: One, two, three!
[they hear a fly buzzing and a wind whistling]
Tulio: Excuse us.
Miguel: Okay. We're outta here.
Tulio: Who ordered the, uh, pickles?
[the men lock Tulio and Miguel]
Miguel: Cortes!
Cortes: My crew was as carefully chosen as the disciples of Christ. [cracks knuckles] And I will not tolerate stowaways.
[Tulio gulps]
Cortes: You will be flogged. And when we put into Cuba to resupply, God willing, you will be flogged some more, and then enslaved on the sugar plantations for the rest of your miserable lives. To the brig.
Miguel: All right! Cuba!
[the guard takes Tulio and Miguel to the brig, then cut to a man whistling, bringing the apples]
Man: Hey, Altivo! Ah-ta-ta, not for you! You're on half rations. Orders from Cortes.
[the apple drops on Miguel's shirt, then hearing Tulio banging on the wall]
Miguel: So, uh, how's the... How's the escape plan coming?
Tulio: All right. All right. Wait! I'm getting something.
Miguel: Yeah.
Tulio: [pauses, the he continues banging on the wall] Okay! Here's the plan. In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions...
Miguel: Mm-hm.
Tulio: ...hijack one of those longboats, and then we row back to Spain like there's no manana!
Miguel: Back to Spain, yeah?
Tulio: Yeah.
Miguel: In a rowboat.
Tulio: You got it!
Miguel: Great. Sensational. And that-that's your plan, is it?
Tulio: That's pretty much it.
Miguel: Well, I like it. So, how de we get on deck?
Tulio: Umm. In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those longboats...
Miguel: Uh, great.
Tulio: Well, okay, what's your idea, smart guy?
Miguel: Wh-Wh-What do you mean? Don't ask me that! You're the one with the plans. Wait, I... I have an idea. Uh, come on. Give me... Give me a boost. Hey, Altivo.
[they toss the apple back and forth]
Miguel: Altivo.
[he tries to get the apple]
Miguel: You want a nice apple? Come and get it. You have to do a trick for me first.
[Altivo walks backward]
Miguel: All you have to do is find a pry bar. A long piece of iron with a hooky thing at the end. Yeah?
Tulio: Miguel, you're talking to a horse!
Miguel: That's it, Altivo, find the pry bar.
Tulio: Yes, find the pry bar. He can't understand "pry bar." He's a dumb horse. There's no way...
[the keys drop in the brig]
Tulio: Well, it's not a pry bar.
[cut at night, with Miguel closing at the top, then Tulio puts everything on the boat, then Altivo hits Miguel]
Miguel: Oh, Altivo. Oh, thank you, old boy. Listen, if we can ever return the favor...
Tulio: For Pete's sake, Miguel, he's a ruthless warhorse, not a poodle. Come on, before he licks you to death.
Miguel: [to Altivo] Adios. [jumps on the boat] Shh, shh. Shh. Quiet, please.
Tulio: What's the matter with him?
Miguel: Oh, he wants his apple. Well, give ot to him before he wakes the whole ship!
Tulio: Fetch! [throws the apple up, then bouncing on the sail, the wood, and the telescope, then splashing in the water, then Altivo dives in the water]
Miguel: Altivo!
Tulio: Huh? Miguel!
[Miguel dives in the water, then the boat lands on the water, yelling]
Miguel: Altivo, I'm coming!
Tulio: Miguel!
Miguel: Just hang on! I'm right here, old boy!
Tulio: Have you lost your mind?
Miguel: Help is coming!
Tulio: [looks at the big ship] Ho-o-ly ship!
[they fall in the water, then the poke out of the water, then the crate breaks]
Tulio: Loop the rope under the horse!
Miguel: Yes! [takes a deep breath, then swimming around, then grabbing Tulio] On the count of three, pull back on the rope.
Tulio: What? [gasping]
Miguel: Three!
Tulio: Pull!
[they both fall in the water, then grabbing the crate]
Miguel: Tulio! Hey, it worked!
[Tulio, Miguel and Altivi have finally, after much effort, all gotten into the rowboat and avoided getting run over by any of the ships]
Tulio: Did any of the supplies make it?
Miguel: Well, uh, yes and no.
[Tulio looks; Altivo is eating the few supplies that did make it]
Tulio: Ohhh, great!
Miguel: Tulio. Look on the positive side. At least things can't get...
[they hear a thunder clap, then it starts pouring rain]
Tulio: Excuse me. We're you going to say "worse"?
Miguel: No. No.
Tulio: No. You're sure?
Miguel: Absolutely not. I've revised the whole thing. Okay, because...
Tulio: Yeah, we're at least in a rowboat.
Miguel: We're in a rowboat exactly. You miss nothing.
[the boat drifts away to reveal the sharks following it, then they continue rowing, then they hear thunder by the wave, then they all yell, then they look at a seagull, landing on the paddle, coughing, then laying down, then they smack their lips, then they reach, then the shark eats the seagull on a paddle, with feathers falling down, then they all sob, then cut at evening, then they continue rowing]
Miguel: Tulio, did you ever imagine it would end like this?
Tulio: The horse is a surprise.
Miguel: Any regrets?
Tulio: Besides dying? Yeah? I never had enough gold.
Miguel: My regret, besides dying, is our greatest adventure is over before it began, and no one will even remember us.
Tulio: Well, if it's any consolation, Miguel, you made my life an adventure.
Miguel: And if it's any consolation, Tulio, you madey life rich.
[Altivo scoffs and sputters, then they both sob, then they land on the sand, then they take the sand, then Tulio shakes the sand]
Miguel: Is it?
Tulio: It is! It's... It's... It's... It's... It's...
Both: It's land!
[they lick the sand, then kissing, then looking at the skull with a sword on it, then they both scream, then Altivo whinnies in fear after seeing a skeleton on the beach]
Tulio: All in favor of getting back in the boat, say "aye."
Miguel: Aye!
Tulio: Aye! Go!
[he walks away, then taking the map out, looking at the map, at the bird rock]
Tulio: Hey, Miguel! I could use a little help! Miguel! Hello!
Miguel: Tulio! We've done it!
Tulio: What's that? The map?
Miguel: It's all right here!
Tulio: You still have the map?
Miguel: The whistling rock! The stream!
Tulio: You kept the map, but you couldn't grab a little more food?
Miguel: Even those mountains. You said so yourself. It could be possible. And it is! It really is the map to El Dorado!
[pause]
Tulio: You drank seawater, didn't you?
Miguel: Oh, come on!
Tulio: I'm not coming on! I wouldn't set foot in that jungle for a million pesetas!
Miguel: How about a hundred million?
Tulio: What?
Miguel: [puts the map back in] I just thought that, after all, since El Dorado is the city of gold...
Tulio: What's your point?
Miguel: You know, dust, nuggets, bricks, a temple of gold where you can pluck gold from the very walls. But you don't want to go, so let's get back into the boat and row back to Spain. After all, it worked so well last time.
Tulio: [speaking gibberish] Wait! Mmm. Wait a minute. New plan. We find the city of gold. We take the gold, and then we go back to Spain.
Miguel: And buy Spain! Yeah!
Tulio: That's the spirit!
Miguel: [takes the sword out] Come on, Tulio. We'll follow that trail!
Tulio: What trail?
Miguel: [chopping at wines with sword] That trail we we blaze!
[the vines fall down revealing a solid wall of rock; long pause]
Miguel: [pointing] That trail that we blaze!
[he mutters, then whinnies, then the music begins "The Trail That We Blaze" by Elton John playing]
Tulio: [grabbing Altivo] Oh, no, you don't. [Altivo bites Tulio's butt] Yeow! Your horse bit me in the butt!
[the snake hisses at the armadillo, then chopping the branch, then Tulio puts his shoe back on]
Miguel: Charge! [he rides by Tulio, then Tulio grabs the map, then runnimg away]
Tulio: What are you looking at?
[the horse grabs Tulio, then riding along, then looking at the map, with an eagle form, then Tulio walks away, then Miguel waves the sword, then Tulio jumps in the water, long pause, then taking the worm off of the back of Tulio, then they walk, then the fish bites Tulio's butt, then running away, then Miguel brings the fish to Tulio]
Miguel: Dinner is served.
Tulio: Hello.
[they walk to the hot water, then they jump in, then the monkey walks on the branch, then the monkeys wear their clothes, then the monkey puts his pants on, then running away by Tulio and Miguel, trying to get their clothes back, then the monkeys wave, after Tulio and Miguel put their clothes back on and begin to scratch themselves, then they all look, then they walk on the log, then raining under Tulio and Miguel, then running away, then Miguel looks at the map, then Tulio grabs a map, then walking, then the butterflies fly out of the mouth, with Tulio and Miguel are walking, then walking up by holding the tail of Altivo, then the branch breaks, then they all fall down, with the map falling down, and the armadillo falling, then rolling to the stone, with the armadillo rolling away, then looking at the map landing on Tulio, and the stone, then looking around, then scratching the stone]
Tulio: [snaps fingers] Miguel. Miguel, wake up.
[Miguel gets up]
Tulio: We're there. Oh, yeah. We found it. We found it?
Miguel: Oh! Fantastic! Where is it? How far?
Tulio: Right here!
Miguel: Where?
Tulio: Here.
Miguel: Behind the rock?
Tulio: No, no. This is it.
Miguel: Give me that! This ca... What?
Tulio: Apprently, "El Dorado" is native for "great, big rock"! [echoing "rock" three times] Hey, but I tell you what, I'm feeling generous, so you can have my share!
Miguel: You don't think Cortes could've gotten here before us and...
Tulio: And what? Taken all the really big rocks? The scoundrel!
Miguel: Tulio, you... We have to think about this. We've come all this way, and we-we-we should really, you know...
Tulio: [to Miguel] Get on the horse!
[he sighs]
Tulio: No, no, no, not with the face. [grabs Miguel] Stop. [clears throat] Looks like there's a pass right over there.
[Chel runs by Tulio and Miguel, then hitting Altivo, then Altivo walks back, then the men appear by Acolyte]
Both: Hyah!
[the men stop, then the horse continues whinnying, then throwing a rock to Tulio, then throwing a rock to Chel, then throwing the rock back and forth, then chuckling, then the rock hits his head]
Tulio: I've... Uh, hello. Is this your rock? Sorry. We were just looking. We're, uh... We're tourists! Tourist. [clears throat] We-We lost our group. May we go now?
[the sword appears at Tulio, then Miguel gasps]
Tulio: [chuckling] Spears.
[he grunts, then the sword puts down, then following all the men by Tulio and Miguel, then running away, then the men try to grab a rock]
Chel: Hey! Hey!
[the armadillo looks at the men, then Tulio looks at the man, then looking at Acolyte, then walking in the waterfall, then they continue walking by Acolyte, then they get off of Altivo, then they get on the boat, then Chel sits on the boat, then Miguel starts whistling, then the man rows a boat, then they both look around, then rowing in the cave, then closing the bag, then looking at the vines, gasping]
Miguel: Oh, my... It's... It's...
Both: [whispering] El Dorado.
[they all look at El Dorado by rowing a boat, with the butterflies flying, then looking at the fish, then the tail gets back on the boat, the walking with the kids, then dropping a pot, breaking it, then looking at the men, then the armadillo swims up, then Acolyte gets off of the boat, then the man runs away by going inside by Chief and the children, then whispering at Chief, then Acolyte walks inside, with Tzekel-Kan chanting at the stone, then whispering at Tzekel-Kan, then pushing Acolyte, then looking at the stone, followed by Tulio and Miguel on Altivo, then walk up the stairs by Chel]
Tulio: [sighing] Well, it was nice working with you, partner.
Miguel: Tulio, I just want you to know, I'm sorry about that girl in Barcelona.
Tulio: So... You... You, f...
Tzekel-Kan: Behold! As the prophesies foretold, the time of judgement is now!
[they both gasp, then Chief appears]
Tzekel-Kan: Citizens, did I not predict that the gods would come to us?
[they both look around]
Tzekel-Kan: [chuckling] My lords, I am Tzekel-Kan, your devoted high priest and speaker for the gods.
Tulio: Hey.
Chief: I am Chief Tannabok. What names may we call you?
Miguel: Huh? I am Miguel.
Tulio: And I am Tulio.
[The gentlemen dismount. As Tulio does so without struggle, Miguel’s foot gets caught in the reins leaving the horse surprised. Despite that, they continue with the procession]
Miguel: And they call us Miguel and Tulio!
Tzekel-Kan: Your arrival has been greatly anticipated.
Chief: My lords, how long will you be staying in El Dorado?
Tzekel-Kan: Aha! I see you've captured this temple-robbing thief. How would you have us punish her?
Chel: Oh, no, no, no, no, no! My lord, I am not a thief. See, the gods sent me a vision to bring them tribute from the temple to guide them here. My only wish is to serve the gods.
Tulio: Release her, don't ya think?
Tzekel-Kan: [releases Chel] Then you will begin by returning this to its rightful place.
[the armadillo gets out of the water, with the butterfly flying]
Chief: My lords, why now do you choose to visit us?
Tzekel-Kan: Enough! You do not question, the gods!
Miguel: That's right! Do not question us, or we shall have to unleash out awesome and terrible power! And you don't want that!
Tzekel-Kan: Well, yes! We do!
Miguel: You do?
Tzekel-Kan: Of course we do! Visit your wrath upon this nonbeliever! Show us the truth of your divinity!
Tulio: Divinity! One moment.
[they all walk down]
Tulio: Miguel, you know that little voice people have that tells them to quit when they're ahead? You don't have one!
Miguel: Well, I'm sorry. I just got carried away!
Tulio: Way away!
Miguel: Maybe we should tell the truth and then beg for mercy.
Tulio: Are you nuts? We'd be butchered alive!
Miguel: Yes, but they're getting suspicious. And if we don't come up with some sort of mega-cosmic event...
[the volcano starts rumbling, erupting]
Tulio: I'm trying! I'm trying! I can't think with all these distractions!
Miguel: You... Horse... Think horse. Think, think, think.
Tulio: I'm on the verge of... Stop! [echoing]
[the volcano goes back in, then coughing, then they gasp, then they hear crickets, then the light appears at Tulio and Miguel, putting hands out, then they all chant]
Miguel: Don't make me start it up again, 'cause I will.
[the men continue chanting, then Tzekel-Kan bows down]
Tzekel-Kan: O mighty lords! Come. Let me show you to your temple.
Miguel: All right! Temple.
Tzekel-Kan: Step aside. [walks up the stairs by Tulio and Miguel, then Chief walks up the stairs, then they climb up, with Tzekel-Kan and Chief walking in, then they look at Tulio and Miguel, then Altivo climbs up, then they open the curtain, then bowing down, then they go inside] To commemorate your arrival, I propose a reverent ceremony at dawn.
Chief: Ah, then perhaps I could prepare a glorious feast for you tonight.
Tzekel-Kan: Which would you prefer?
Tulio: Both.
Miguel: Both.
Both: Both.
Miguel: Both is good.
Chief: My lords.
Tzekel-Kan: My lords.
[they both close the curtain, then Chief walks to Tzekel-Kan]
Tzekel-Kan: And so dawns the Age of the Jaguar. Happy new year. [chuckling, walking down the stairs, then cut back to Tulio and Miguel]
Miguel: Hey!
Tulio: Hey. Hey.
[they both laugh, then Altivo runs on the water]
Miguel: Tulio. Tulio. They actually think we're gods.
Tulio: It's an entire city of suckers.
[Miguel laughs]
Tulio: We just have to keep this up long enough, to load up on the gold and the get the hell out of here!
Miguel: Tulio, we'll be living like kings!
Tulio: Miguel and Tulio!
Miguel: Tulio and Miguel!
Both: Mighty powerful gods.
Chel: Hello.
[they both gasp and whimper]
[Chel starts laughing]
Tulio: Depart, mortal, before we strike you with a lightning bolt.
Miguel: Mmm. Mmm!
[Chel continues humming]
Miguel: Beware the wrath of the gods! Begone! [clicking sound]
Chel: Save it for the high priest, honey. You're gonna need it.
[he hears a clicking sound]
Tulio: Miguel, it's not working.
[he continues clicking]
Tulio: Miguel! We've been caught.
Chel: Oh, no. Don't worry about me, boys. "My only wish is to serve the gods." Remember?
Tulio: How?
Chel: Well, if you guys want the gold, then you don't want to get caught, right? You're going to need my help?
Miguel: [scoffs] What makes you think we need your help?
Chel: [imitates Miguel] "Ck-ck." Are you serious?
[Altivo laughs]
Miguel: I... What... We... Okay. So, uh, who are you?
Tulio: Yeah, uh, what's your angle?
Chel: [laughing] No angle. I want in.
Tulio: In?
Chel: On the scam.
Tulio: [chuckling] There's no scam! Why would you think there's a...? Why?
Chel: So I can get out.
Miguel: I thought she just said she wanted in?
Tulio: She wants in so she can get out.
Miguel: Aha! Got it. [chuckling] Why?
Chel: Think you're the only ones who dream of better things? Of adventure? You've got your reasons, and I've got mine. Let's not make it personal, okay? It's just business.
Both: Oh.
Chel: So when you guys are ready to go back to wherever you came from, I'm going with you.
Tulio: No! Don't think so.
[he coughs, then Tulio starts whistling]
Chel: All right. Fine. After all, I'm sure you know the proper rituals for blessing a tribute, the holiest days on the calendar... Oh, and of corse you know all about Xibalba. [chuckling] Okay? Good luck. [walks away] See you at the execution.
Tulio: [speaking gibberish] Wait! Ho... Would you...? Hold it.
Chel: [chuckling] Deal?
Miguel: Deal.
Tulio: Not yet. Let's just see how this works out.
Chel: Uh-huh. Well, then I suppose that means you'll want these back?
Tulio: [grabs the dice] How'd you get those?
Miguel: Where was she keeping them?
Chel: Call me, Chel, your new partner.
Tulio: Uh, that's partner-in-training.
[they throw blankets at Tulio and Miguel]
Chel: Now, put these on. Your public's waiting. [continues humming]
[they take their clothes off, then Miguel takes the shirt off]
Tulio: Do you mind?
Chel: No. Oh! Oh! Oh! [giggling] Right. Excuse me.
[Miguel tries to put the shoe on, then falling to the ground]
Chel: [closing the curtain] Bye.
Miguel: Mm-mm-mmm! Maybe they should call this place "Chel Dorado."
Tulio: [chuckling] She's whoo... Whoa, she's in trouble! Wait a minute!
Miguel: What?
Tulio: The little voice... Remember the little voice? Ju-Ju-Just for a second imagine that you have one. What would it be saying about Chel?
[he purrs]
Tulio: [to Miguel] No. No. Listen. We are partners.
Miguel: We are partners.
Tulio: We have a plan, remember?
Miguel: Get the gold. Go back to Spain.
Tulio: Yes! And we are pretending to be gods. Now, put Chel in the mix. What is the voice saying? Listen carefully.
Miguel: [gasping] Chel is off-limits, hmm?
Tulio: Bravo! Chel is off-limits! Shake on it.
[they clap their hands]
Miguel: Off-limits. Mm. Mm.
Both: Mmmm.
[Tulio takes the short off]
Miguel: Besides, we're supposed to be gods. We must avoid giving in to temptation.
Tulio: Gods. Oh. This is gonna be tougher than I thought.
Miguel: Tulio, relax! All you have to do is smile, act godly and follow my lead.
[he gasps, then looking at Chief]
Chief: [gasping] Big smile. Like you mean it. A-one, two, three.
[the music begins "It's Tough to Be a God"]
Tulio: [singing] I hardly think I'm qualified, to come across all sanctified. I just don't cut it with the cherubim. [the baby bites Tulio's finger]
Miguel: Tulio, what are you talking about? [singing] There again, they're on their knees. Being worshipped is a breeze. Which rather suits us in. The interim.
Tulio: [singing] Interim, interim, it's me and him.
[spits water out]
Tulio: Oh, my God!
Chorus: [singing] It's tough to be a god.
Miguel: [singing] Tread where mortals have not rod.
Tulio: [singing] Be deified when really you're a sham. Be an object of devotion, be the subject of psalms. It's a rather touching notion. All those players and those salaams, and who am I to bridle, if I'm forced to be an idol. If they say that I'm a god. That's what I am. What's more if we don't comply. With the locals' wishes. I can see us being sacrificed or stuffed.
Miguel: You have a point there. Very good thinking. [singing] So let's be gods the perks are great!
Tulio: Yeah!
Miguel: [singing] El Dorado on our plates.
Tulio: Thank you.
Miguel: [singing] Local feelings should not be rebuffed.
Tulio: [singing] Never rebuffed.
Miguel: [singing] I never rebuff a local feeling. No, my friend.
All: [singing] It's tough to be a god! But if you get the people's nod! Coujt your blessings! Yeah, keep 'em sweet! That's our advice!
Miguel: It's great advice!
All: Be a symbol of perfection! Be a legend, be a cult! Take their prase, take a collection! As the multitudes exalt! Don a supernatural habit! We'd be crazy not to grab it!
Tulio: You got it!
All: [singing] So sign on two new gods for paradise! Par-a-dise!
[the men dance, then Altivo dances around, then falling to the ground, then fade to black, then cut to Tulio and Miguel, sleeping, then Tzekel-Kan appears, then they both gasp]
Tzekel-Kan: Good morning, my lords!
Miguel: He's back!
Tulio: Oh, no.
Tzekel-Kan: And now it's my turn! The gods have awakened!
[the crowd cheer, then Tulio falls to the ground]
Tulio: Mm-hmm.
[Chel puts flower petals to the ground]
Tulio: Hey, Chel, what's going on?
Chel: It's not gonna be good.
Tulio: Thank you.
Tzekel-Kan: This city had been granted a great blessing. And what have we done to show our gratitude? A meager celebration. The god's deserve a proper tribute!
[the natives bring a bag]
Tzekel-Kan: The beginning of a new era, the dawning of a new age, demands sacrifice!
[the man appears, then they all gasp, then Chief gasps]
Tulio: I don't like this.
Miguel: Tulio, we've got to do something.
[Tzekel-Kan pushes the man to a cliff to a whirlpool, then raising his ax]
Tulio: Stop!
[they walk to Tzekel-Kan]
Tulio: This is not a proper tribute!
Tzekel-Kan: You do not want the tribute?
Miguel: No. No, no. W-We want tribute. Uh, it's just that, uh, Tulio, tell him.
Tulio: The stars are not in position for this tribute! [Tulio says this while Tzekel-Kan curiously looks at the sky for a bit]
Miguel: Like he says, the stars... Can't do it. Not today.
Tzekel-Kan: Ah. Perhaps it is possible I misread, the heavens.
Miguel: Don't worry about it. To err is human, to forgive...
Chief: My lords, may the people of El Dorado offer you our tribute.
[the natives bring gold to a whirlpool, then gasping, then they show the natives holding gold]
Chief: My lords, does this please you?
[he sighs]
Miguel: Yes, very nice. Certainly acceptable.
Tulio: Yes, lovely. It'll do.
Chief: The gods have chosen! To Xibalba?
Chel: No. No.
Both: To Xibalba!
Chel: Oh, great.
[the natives are throwing the gold over the cliff and into the whirlpool, then they both look at the gold in the whirlpool]
Miguel: Hey, Chel, what are they doing?
Chel: [exasperated] They're sending it to Xibalba, the spirit world.
[the gold continue falling in the whirlpool]
Tulio: The spirit world.
Chel: I'll take care of it. [sidling up to the Chief] Um, excuse me, Chief. The gods have their minds about Xibalba. They wish to bask in the reverence that has been shown them.
Chief: Stop!
[the natives stop throwing the gold in the whirlpool; then a golden plate rolls toward a cliff and Tulio stops it with his foot]
Chief: They wish to bask! Take the tribute to the gods' temple!
[the natives walk away, then Chel walks to Tulio and Miguel]
Tulio: Nice going.
[they all walk back by Tzekel-Kan, then Chief chuckles]
Tzekel-Kan: Smile while you can.
[cut to Cortes and the crew, breaking a skull]
Cortes: Well, well, well, what have we here? [evil chuckle]
[cut back to El Dorado]
Tulio: Ai-ai-ai.
Miguel: [singing] Tons of gold for you, hah!
Tulio: [singing] And tons of gold for me, hoo!
Both: [singing] Tons of gold for we, ah!
Tulio: Not bad for a day's work, eh?
Miguel: Not bad at all.
Tulio: We just became richer than the king of Spain. [laughing]
Miguel: You know, speaking of kings, the chief and high priest seem a bit, uh, tense.
Tulio: Buenos Dias! Listen, all we have to do, is keep playing the one against the other. You knos, do a little god dance, chant some mystic mumbo jumbo, dazzle 'em woth some smoke and mirrors and then get the hell back to Spain.
Miguel: Um, Tulio, how are we gonna get all this back to Spain?
Tulio: Ummm...
Chief: A boat?
Tulio: Yeah.
Miguel: Um, we really hate to be ascending so soon, but, uh, some urgent business has come up, you know, family matters, you know, and it's just a bit...
Tulio: Yeah, family.
Miguel: Badda-bing, budda-boom, you know what I mean.
Chief: Oh, we expected you to be staying with us for the next thousand years.
Tulio: Well, as we say in the spirit world, there's your plan and then, there's the gods' plan.
Miguel: Mm-hmm.
Tulio: And our plan, uh, calls for a boat, 'cause we're gonna ascend kind of in a horizontal pattern at first. And then we're gonna go vertical, uh, as we get further out to sea.
Chief: Hmm. To build a boat large and glorious enough, would take about a week.
Tulio: A week? Hmm.
Miguel: Um...
Tulio: I wonded how long it would take Tzekel-Kan to do it.
Chief: But... But for the gods, uh, three days.
Tulio: Uh...
Miguel: Well, if that's the best you can do.
Chief: Oh, perhaps if you were not burdened with so much tribute, you could leave sooner.
Miguel: Hmm?
Tulio: Hmm? I like it here. Miguel?
Miguel: Yep, yep. Three days is just fine.
Tulio: No, three days is not fine.
[Chel hums]
Tulio: This is a real...
Chel: Mmm.
Tulio: ...these, these are the ones, problem.
Chel: Oh. Thank you.
Tulio: Miguel, how are we gonna keep this up for three days?
Miguel: [waking up] You worry too much.
Tulio: No, I worry exactly the right amount. You can never worry too much. We just have to lie low.
Miguel: But, Tulio, this place is amazing! I mean, I wonder what's...
[the music stops]
Tulio: No! Don't even move!
Miguel: Tulio...
Tulio: You're moving!
Miguel: A little, but...
Tulio: Hey! Hey! Hey!
Miguel: Come on.
Tulio: [stammering] Stay!
Miguel: I gotta... I... I just...
Tulio: [groans] Just stand there!
Miguel: For three days? [falls to the ground]
Tulio: Yes! Exactly. For three days. Don't even breathe. All right?
Miguel: [gets up] All right. We lie low.
Tulio: No, ah, ah, ah, ah. Promise?
Miguel: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, all right.
Tulio: Great! Good. Okay. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to gloat over my gold.
[Chel giggles, then Tulio kisses the gold]
Tulio: Oh, yum, yum, yum.
Chel: [walks to Miguel] It's beautiful, isn't it?
Miguel: Yeah!
Chel: You know, you really shouldn't miss it.
Miguel: I know. But I-I couldn't.
Chel: Go ahead. I'll cover for you.
Miguel: Oh, good. Thanks. [he hears Tulio singing with the indistinct] So, what happened to Altivo?
Chel: I don't know.
[Miguel walks away]
Tulio: [singing] Tulio goes for paradise! Hey, what happened to Miguel?
Chel: I don't know.
Tulio: [drops the gold] Oh, my God! He's gone! Miguel's gone! He's loose! What am I gonna do? Oh, no, no! [sobbing]
Chel: Oh, Miguel is right. You worry too much.
Tulio: [groans] Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, down, down, down, down. No! No! Big trouble. [chuckling] Whoa! Look, sweetheart, we're on the middle of a con here, walking the razor's edge. On the one hand, gold! On the other hand, painful, agonizing failure! [clears throat] I can't afford any tempta, uh, distractions. So, I'm sorry. So sorry. [takes a sharp inhale] But perhaps another time? Another place, hmm?
Chel: [chuckling] Too bad. I'm free now.
Tulio: I'm not really sure I trust you.
Chel: Mmm, I'm not really asking you to trust me. Am I?
Tulio: Whoo. 'Kay. [rubs Chel] Ooh, yeah.
[Chel and Tulio falling in love]
[cut to Miguel, walking, looking at the birds, then looking at the men, then walking to Acolyte]
Miguel: Excuse me. Excuse me? Hey, where is everybody?
Acolyte: They've been cleared from the streets, my lord, so the city can be cleansed, as you ordered.
Miguel: Cleansed?
Acolyte: Yes. So the Age of the Jaguar can begin, as you ordered, my lord.
Man: Get back in! Where are you going?
Miguel: Hey! Hey, stop that!
Guard: Move!
Miguel: Hey, stop that! What are you doing? Stop that!
Acolyte: But, my lord, anyone who disobeys your orders must be punished, as you ordered.
Miguel: It seems I've been giving a lot of orders, haven't I?
Acolyte: Tzekel-Kan has made your commands clear, my lord.
Miguel: Really? Here's an order: Take the day off. Are you all right?
[he pants]
Miguel: Here.
[the man shows the gold]
Miguel: Oh, no! It's all right. Please.
[the man runs away, then tripping down, then playing a guitar]
Miguel: Hey, Altivo. There you are. [continues playing a guitar, then they both chuckle, then the people join in, then the music begins "Without Question" by Elton John playing, wth the kids dancing, then taking a guitar, then walking away, looking at the fish and the men, waving, then the men spin, then Miguel spins around, then feeding to the chickens, then taking the crops, then running to the people, on the turtle, then putting a domino by the moon, then knocking the dominoes to reveal a sun, then walking up to Altivo, then the brown ball rolls at Altivo, then the kids play with the brown ball, then bouncing around the kids, then taking to Miguel, then bouncing on the knee, then flying around, then running to the kids, then they look at Miguel with a brown ball bouncing on his knee]
Tzekel-Kan: Hmm. This is not what I expected. Perhaps Lord Tulio will enlighten me. [puts the book back in] How do I look?
Acolyte: Oh, uh, well, you...
Tzekel-Kan: Oh, shut up.
[cut back to Tulio and Chel]
Tulio: Oh! Whoa!
Tzekel-Kan: My lord?
[she gasps]
Tzekel-Kan: Hello?
Chel: The high priest.
Tulio: Ow!
Chel: [gasping] What's he gonna think if he finds one of the gods like this with me?
Tulio: Uh, lucky god?
Chel: J-Just-Just-Just...
Tzekel-Kan: Hello?
[kicks Tulio]
Tulio: Oh, Tzekel-Kan! What bring you here?
Tzekel-Kan: I-I-I-I-I humbly request an audience with you, my lord.
Tulio: Yes, what can I do for you?
Tzekel-Kan: My lord, I have just seen Lord Miguel out among the people.
Tulio: Really?
Tzekel-Kan: If I may be so bold as to off some advice.
Tulio: All right. Shoot.
Tzekel-Kan: [clears throat] My lord, you are perfect.
Tulio: [chuckling] Oh, well. Go on.
Tzekel-Kan: But in your perfection, you cannot know how imperfect humans are. Like snakes they are. Spineless and slippery. They are as untrustworthy as rats, stealing and cheating with no remorse. [eats a pear, spitting out] Spinning webs of lies, like spiders! [crunches a spider]
Tulio: Stop it! That's disgusting.
Tzekel-Kan: They're beyond disgusting!
Tulio: Yeah, yeah, way beyond.
Tzekel-Kan: Then we're in agreement. I'll begin the necessary preparations immediately. Now. Do you wish to have your victims bound to an altar, or would you prefer them free-range?
[he mutters]
Tzekel-Kan: And will you be devouring their essence whole, or piece by piece?
Tulio: Tzekel, you've lost me.
Tzekel-Kan: My lord, these people will not respect you if they do not fear you.
Tulio: And, of cohrse, we'll make them fear us by...
Tzekel-Kan: A sacrifice, as is is prophesied. The history of the Age of the Jaguar will be written in...
Tulio: Ink?
Tzekel-Kan: Blood!
Tulio: Blood! Oh, right. Of course. I should probably consult with Lord Miguel. This is fairly important stuff. I, um, should discuss the entire, uh, blood issue right away. Excuse us, won't you? Let's go. [walks by Chel]
Tzekel-Kan: [chuckling] Finally, we're connecting.
[cut to Cortes and the guards, looking at the bird]
Cortes: This way.
[cut back to El Dorado, playing ball, then running at Tulio, with the ball hitting on his head]
Tulio: What do you think you're doing?
Miguel: [chuckling] Lying low.
Tulio: Look, change of plans. We have to grab what we can carry and get out of here now!
Miguel: What? Why?
Tulio: Because the high priest is nuts! He wants...
Tzekel-Kan: This is unacceptable!
Tulio: Yeah. Yeah. Like he said.
Tzekel-Kan: The gods should not be playing ball like this!
Tulio: Well, exactly!
Tzekel-Kan: This is how the gods should play ball!
[the crowd cheer, then they hear a horn]
Miguel: Well, don't blame me.
Tulio: I blame you. What is the object of this game, pray tell?
Chel: You've gotta knock the ball through the hoop.
Tulio: What hoop?
Chel: [pointing] That hoop.
Tulio: That's impossible. We're gonna lose.
Chel: Gods don't lose.
[he snaps his fingers, then the game starts, then the men appear]
Men: Heep-ha!
Tzekel-Kan: My lords, Chief Tannabok's warriors are the finest ballplayers in the city. Fifteeen mere mortals against two gods.
[they both gulp]
Tzekel-Kan: I realize it's a bit uneven, but I do hope they'll challenge you enough to make the game, interesting. Play ball! [puts a brown ball on the ground] Crush them into the dust. [chuckling] Enjoy.
Crowd: [chanting] Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
[the men appear, then kicking the ball, then Tulio dodges, then hitting on the wall]
Chel: D'oh. D'oh.
[the men watch the brown ball go bouncing]
Tzekel-Kan: My lords, were you not supposed to put the ball into play?
Tulio: Ohh! Well, no, no, no, no, no... We were merely demonstrating the, um, traditional, uh, first avoidance maneuver.
Tzekel-Kan: Ah. I've never heard of such a thing.
Miguel: Excuse me. Who invented this game?
Tzekel-Kan: Why, the gods, of course.
Tulio: I'm warning you, don't push your luck with this guy.
Miguel: But, Tulio, we're the gods. [kicks the ball to the men, then kicking the ball, then trying to get in the hoop]
Chel: Tulio! The hip! The hip!
Tulio: [kicks the ball trying to get in the hoop] This is impossible.
[the man kicks the ball in the hoop, then the men cheer, then blowing the horn, putting the gold on, making it one]
Tulio: Excuse me?
[the man kicks the ball in the hoop, then putting another gold, making it two]
Men: Heep-ha! Heep-ha! Heep-ha! Heep-ha!
[they blow the wind, then they both groan, then the men play ball, showing nine gold, then the men grab the brown ball]
Chel: Foul! That was a foul!
[the men grab the brown ball, then bouncing at Chel]
Warrior: New ball!
[they both pant]
Tulio: How does this go on anyway?
Chel: The game is over when the shadow touches this line.
Miguel: We need a miracle.
Tulio: No, we need to cheat. [grabs the armadillo, then bouncing around, then rolling around Miguel, then going in a hoop]
Both: Yes!
[the men kick the armadillo in the hoop, then letting go, then kicking the armadillo, then going in the hoop, with Tzekel-Kan clapping]
Chel: Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[Miguel kicks the armadillo in hoop]
Both: Ole!
[Tulio kicks the armadillo in a hoop, then bouncing on their butts, then bouncing on the hoop, then rolling around, then bouncing back and forth, then they all cheer, then they show all the gold, making it ten by the two teams]
Chel: Yes! [laughing]
Miguel: Who's the god?
Tulio: You de god.
Miguel: No, you the god.
Tulio: Fine. No, you de god.
[the armadillo bounces in a bucket full of brown balls, then taking the brown ball]
Chel: Y-Yeah! Yeah!
[the brown ball bounces at Altivo, then bouncing at Tulio and Miguel, then rolling on the hip, then bouncing on the fists]
Chel: Guys, it's here! It's right here with me!
[they both gasp, then the brown hits his head, then bouncing around, hotting Miguel, then hitting on the head, then kicking the ball in the hoop, then they all gasp, leaving in the hoop, then they look at the ball in the hoop, then Altivo kicks the wall, then getting out of the hoop, then they all cheer, then blowing the horn]
Tzekel-Kan: I love this game! [laughing]
Both: Yes!
[Tulio grabs Chel, spinning around]
Tulio: Well done, partner.
Chel: Yes! Yes!
[the game ends]
Tzekel-Kan: My lords, congratulations on your victory. And now, you will, of course, wish to have the losing team sacrificed to your glory.
[the crowd gasp, then the men bow down]
Miguel: Not again. Look, Tzekel-Kan...
Tulio: Uh, Miguel?
Miguel: ...forget the sacrifices.
Tulio: Miguel.
Miguel: We don't want any sacrifices.
Tzekel-Kan: But all of the sacred writings say that you will devour the wicked and the unrighteous.
Miguel: Well, I don't see anyone here who fits that description.
Tzekel-Kan: [scoffs] Well, as speaker for the gods, it would be my privilege to point them out.
Miguel: The gods are speaking for themselves now! This city and these people have no need for you anymore! [pushes Tzekel-Kan] There will be no sacrifices! Not now, not ever!
[the crowd cheer]
Miguel: Get out!
[he scoffs, then they grin at Tzekel-Kan, putting a blood on the eyebrow]
Tzekel-Kan: Mmm. As the gods, command.
[the men grab Miguel and Tulio]
Miguel: Hey, not bad for my first commandment, huh? [laughing]
Tulio: Miguel, the little voice... [stammering] Yeah, fine.
[cut to Tzekel-Kan and Acolyte]
Tzekel-Kan: Do you know why the gods demand blood?
Acolyte: I don't know.
Tzekel-Kan: [the knife cuts the hand] Because gods don't bleed. [the blood goes back inside the hand] It's time to take the future into my own hands, and this city will be cleansed. Even if I have to do it myself.
Acolyte: Uh, how?
Tzekel-Kan: [grabs a book] There are dark magics here, and power, and... Ooh. My, my, my, my, my. [throws a book to Acoylte] It's not called the Age of the Jaguar for nothing. [looking at the men, building a boat] This'll be a delightful way to bid the false gods, good-bye.
[the man continues building a boat, then hammering the stone with Miguel looking at it]
Tulio: Audios, muchacho! [shows a flower to Chel, with the birds flying away, then hammering the golden horsehoe]
Miguel: Well, it's, um, uh, nice.
Chief: Nice?
Miguel: Yes, nice.
Chief: But?
Miguel: Um, but, uh, is it really fit for the gods?
Chief: My lord.
Miguel: I have been around boats, believe me, and that, um, the pointy, tall, um, the-the-the-the long up and down thing...
Chief: The mast?
Miguel: The mast, yes, yes. The mast is good. Well, look at it. [stammering] There's not nearly enough, uh, um, rope.
Chief: Rope?
Miguel: Yes, rope. Exactly my point. Vertical ascension requires a lot more, uh, rope.
Chief: My lord. [chuckling]
Miguel: And look at this. [grunting, sighs, clears throat] This doesn't look at all secure. Chief, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but all in all, it is a complete do-over.
Chief: Hmm. [walks to Miguel] You know, Lord Miguel, if you wish to stay, you only need to say so.
Miguel: You mean, forever?
Chief: Of course.
Miguel: [looks at the end] Oh, no, I can't. I have to go back with Tulio. We're... We're partners.
Chief: Big plans in the order world, huh?
Miguel: Yep. Big plans.
Chief: Well, then, I better go get some more rope, huh?
Miguel: Oh, Chief, um, forget about the rope. Um, my mistake.
Chief: Hey, to err is human.
[he climbs out of the boat, by looking at Chief, then getting off, walking away]
Tulio: Half?
Chel: Mm-hmm.
Tulio: [laughing] I don't think so. I-I'll tell you what. Uh, I'll let you come back to Spain with us, like you wanted, and, um, yeah, I can see my way clear to throwing you, mmm, ten percent?
Chel: [chuckling] You know, maybe I won't go to Spain with you and take a third. [grabs a golden plate]
Tulio: Ohh! [chuckling] Like you don't wanna go to Spain.
Chel: Oh, like you don't want me to want to go to Spain.
Tulio: I want you to want, what you want.
Chel: Mm-hmm? Mm-hmm. Go on.
Tulio: All right. Cards on the table. Uh, I want you to come to Spain with me and Miguel. Mostly me. Especially me. Only me. Forget Miguel.
Chel: [chuckling] Well, as long as that's what you want. Me too.
Tulio: Okay. Deal?
Chel: [drops the golden plate] Deal.
[Altivo walks to Miguel, gasping]
Miguel: "Forget Miguel"? Well, forget Tulio. [kicks Altivo, then walking away, then Altivo walks down]
[cut back to Tzekel-Kan and Acolyte, stirring the water]
Tzekel-Kan: Well, is it ready yet?
[he scoops the water up, blowing, then putting an umbrella, then taking the bowl, sniffing, then throwing the bowl]
Tzekel-Kan: [grabs a book] It seems to be missing something. Ah, that's it. It needs more body. [kicks Acolyte in the water, then walking backwards to the wall, forming the Stone Jaguar, then forming hands and feet, then the Stone Jaguar lands on the ground, then breaking a stone] Do as I command! [laughing]
[cut back to Tulio and Miguel, watching the kids]
Kid 1: The gods deserve a proper tribute.
Kid 2: Stop! There will be no sacrifices!
Tulio: [chuckling, holding a bowl with a lemon on it] That kid does you better than you do. [puts the bowl down, sighing] Some send-off, huh? We're finally at the "go back to Spain and live like kings" part.
[the children laugh, then Chel puts the boy down, running away]
Tulio: Oo-hoo-hoo. [drinking a bowl]
Miguel: Well, isn't king kind of a step down from god?
Tulio: [spits water out] What? Wh-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Miguel, we can't stay here. We have a plan, remember?
Miguel: How about, we forget the plan? Hmm?
Tulio: What?
[the Stone Jaguar appears by Tzekel-Kan, roaring, then they both scream in fear, then laughing]
Tzekel-Kan: Now everyone will know the truth of your divinity.
[the jaguar lands on the ground, with the people running away, screaming, then they throw spears at the Stone Jaguar, then grabbing the man, then throwing up, grabbing the man, then they continue screaming, then dropping the man]
Man: I'm okay! [the foot squishes the man then he roaring] I'm still okay!
Chel: Come on! Get on!
[they all run away from the Stone Jaguar, then screaming, then they both shout]
Tulio: Altivo, hyah!
[they all run away from the Stone Jaguar, then running up the stairs, then trying to climb up, falling down, then kicking the eye at the lenses of the glass, then whimpering, then they kick Tulio, Miguel, Chel, and Altivo to the ground, then they slide to the ground, then the Stone Jaguar looks at Chel in the lenses of the glass]
Chel: Tulio!
Tulio: Hey, over here, you big Tzekel-Kan cat creep! [they continue throwing rocks] Altivo, get Chel out of here.
[Altivo grabs Chel, then they continue running away, then they jump down, then running away by the cave, trying to grab Tulio and Miguel]
Tulio: Duck!
[they jump down, then roaring, then they continue running, then the lava appears, then touching the rocks, yelling, then gasping and yelling, then they slide down, then falling in the lava]
Tulio: Move! Move!
[they both walk on the Stone Jaguar, then they jump]
Tulio: Jump!
[the Stone Jaguar falls in the lava, then the Stone Jaguar appears, then they yell, running away to the cliff of the whirlpool, then they look at the whirlpool]
Tzekel-Kan: I know what you are, and I know what you are not! And you are not gods!
Tulio: [to Miguel] Y... You're not a god? You lied to me? [clears throat] How dare you!
Miguel: Hey, it was his stupid plan!
Tzekel-Kan: What?
Tulio: Oh, oh, oh. My plan was that we should lie low! But your plan was to run off and be all "Oh, look at me. Look at me. I'm a god."
Miguel: That's not true!
Tulio: No? Who are you kidding? You're buying your own con!
Miguel: At least I'm not dating mine.
Tulio: I... Ooh, low blow. Listen, Mr. High and Mighty, we'd both be sailing out of here with a mountain of gold, if you had just listened to me!
Miguel: Well, now you've got all the precious gold and Chel. So what do you need me for?
Tulio: Well, maybe I don't need you anymore.
Miguel: Well, then, why don't you just go back to Spain, and I'll stay here, and we'll both get what we want!
Tulio: That's fine with me, pal!
Miguel: Fine with me too!
Tulio: Fine!
Tzekel-Kan: Ouch.
Miguel: Okay!
Both: All right! [they punch Tzekel-Kan]
Tulio: Tie him up!
[they grab the vines, then roaring]
Tulio: What?
[the jaguar runs at Tulio and Miguel, then they both gasp]
Tulio: Jump!
[the jaguar lands at Tzekel-Kan then he gasps then jaguar roaring, then they both yell, then they all fall in the whirlpool at the cliff]
Tzekel-Kan: No-o-o-o-o! [falling in the whirlpool, spinning around, then going faster, then poking out of the water while hearing a sword clanging with Cortes, then looking at the wall]
Cortes: My lord. [the gun touches Tzekel-Kan] Where did you get this?
[cut to Tulio and Miguel]
Tulio: [chuckling] That was good, huh?
[Miguel climbs on the vine, getting up, then the men cheer, then Tulio climbs up]
Tulio: Hey, a little help, please?
Miguel: Chief Tanni! Chief Tanni! [lands by Chief] I've decided to stay.
Chief: Oh, this is wonderful news. What a glorious day for El Dorado. Lord Miguel has decided to live among us!
[the crowd cheer]
Chel: Tulio! Is everything okay?
[the men grab Miguel]
Tulio: Everything is fine.
[the wind howls at Tulio, followed by Miguel with the music of "Friends Never Say Good-Bye" by Elton John playing, putting the gold in the bag, and the map, looking at the map, then ripping the map, at Miguel by the name, saying, "Tulio", kicking the man, then tying the bag, hitting Miguel, then Miguel puts the hat on, then putting the blanket around, then looking at Tulio, then walking to Tulio, then looking around, then Tulio walks down the stairs, by Miguel walking down the stairs by Chief]
Chief: Ha!
[they all laugh, then hugging Tulio, then shaking his hand, then putting his hand out, then looking at Chel, then putting the hand out, then kissing Miguel]
Man: Take care.
Boy: We'll miss you!
Tulio: Thank you. [pets Tulio, then licking Tulio's hand, then shaking it off, then licking Tulio, then Chel walks with Tulio, then Miguel walks by Chief, then looking at Chief, then walking away, then Tulio dries out, then Chel walks away, then looking at the gold on the boat, then Miguel walks by Tulio]
Miguel: Well, good luck.
Tulio: Yeah. You too. [walks away, then they climb up, then Miguel walks away, then Altivo walks to Tulio and Chel, then running away]
Miguel: Whoa. Whoa, boy, what is it?
[the man shouts, then they hear explosions at the volcano, chattering]
Miguel: Cortes.
Chief: My lord, what is it?
Man: Chief Tanni! Chief Tanni! Approaching the city, is an army of strangers.
Chief: We are safe here. They'll never find the gate to the city.
Man: But, sire, they are being led by Tzekel-Kan.
Chief: He survived! Warriors, prepare yourselves for battle!
[the men shout]
Miguel: Chief, you cannot fight them!
Chief: Then how can we stop them?
Miguel: We can't.
Tulio: [he hears the guns fire] Uh, one moment, please. [kicks the food out, and the gold, and the necklace] Okay, here's the gate. Here's the boat.
Chel: Uh-huh. And?
Tulio: Here's the gate. Here's the boat.
Chel: Okay. Got that. And?
Tulio: Well, here's the "goat," and here's the "bate."
Chel: Tulio!
[the cup spills water out, then the bread breaks a necklace]
Tulio: That's it. We'll crash the boat into the pillars.
Chel: That's it? I mean... But... [scoffs] What about the gold?
Tulio: Well... [sobbing] Chief! Chief. I've got a plan.
[the men use ropes to hold the statue]
Chief: Hold the line steady! They're almost in place!
[cut to Tzekel-Kan and guards walk with Cortes]
Cortes: It better be there, for your sake.
[cut back to El Dorado, rowing the boat, then looking at Miguel, sighing, putting the hair down]
Tulio: Okay, Chief, on my signal! Ready! Hit the pillars!
Chief: Now!
[the man hits the brick walls, like dominoes, then gasping, then the weapons continue firing]
Tulio: They're breaking too fast!
Chel: Tulio, the sail!
Tulio: [tries to put the sail down] It's stuck!
[they continue pulling the statue, breaking the ropes, then Chief grabs the ropes]
Miguel: They're not gonna make it. Altivo! [jumps on Altivo, then running at the boat, with the statue breaking]
Tulio: Are you crazy?
[he jumps on the boat in slow motion, then getting off of Miguel in slow motion, then grabbing the sail, yelling]
Tulio: Get off the boat, Miguel, or you'll never see the city again.
Miguel: I know. [takes the hat off and the earings off] You don't think I'm gonna let you have all the fun, do you? Come on. We've got a wave to catch. [grabs a paddle to Tulio, then pointing the fingers at Chief, then they release a statue, rowing a boat, splashing in the water, then holding the handle]
Tulio: Get out of the way!
Chel: Huh?
[the armadillo runs]
Tulio: Hold on!
[they all go in the cave, breaking a sail, going faster, then the cave hits the treasure, hitting the faces, with the gold falling out]
Tulio: We're gonna have to hit it broadside!
Miguel: That's your plan? But the gold!
Tulio: I know! Just turn the boat! On impact, everybody jump!
[the boat hits the wall, then they all jump, then splashing in the water, then the wall breaks completely, with the rocks falling in the water, then they cough]
Tulio: We made it. It worked. [chuckling] It worked.
Miguel: Wait. Get down!
Chel: [grabs Tulio] There they are.
[the men walk away by Cortes and Tzekel-Kan, then gasping while looking at the rocks]
Tzekel-Kan: No.
Cortes: [walks by Tzekel-Kan] You lying heathen. There's nothing here at all.
Tzekel-Kan: No. Wait. Wait.
Cortes: [kicks Tzekel-Kan into the water] Men, seize him!
Tzekel-Kan: What?
[the men grab Tzekel-Kan]
Cortes: There is no El Dorado here. Onward, men.
[they grab Tzekel-Kan with the guards walking away, then gasping, then Chel waves at Tzekel-Kan]
Tzekel-Kan: Wait! No, wait! Wait! [echoing]
[they all peek out, sputtering, then they all laugh]
Chel: Yes!
Miguel: Now, that was an adventure.
Tulio: Yes. Yes, it was. And, um, it was so much gold! [sobbing]
[Altivo looks at the gold]
Tulio: I'm fine.
Chel: Good. [kisses Tulio] Let's go.
[he sighs, then Miguel gets up]
Miguel: Partner. [grabs a hand to Tulio]
Tulio: Partner.
[last lines]
Chel: Hey, guys, come on! You don't wanna stay here forever, do you?
Miguel: But, we don't have a map.
Tulio: We don't have a plan.
Chel: Well, that's what makes it interesting.
Tulio: You're right! What are we waiting for?
[they both go on Altivo]
Chel: Let's follow that trail! Hyah!
[they both fall down at the back of Altivo]
Chel: Come on, boys!
Tulio: Hey, Altivo!
Miguel: Sit, boy! Sit!
[the screen puts up "The End"]
Tulio: Chel, we're not on the horse!
[they both run to get Altivo, then the armadillo eats the butterfly in the end credits]